Ready Or Not Advice

It starts while you're pregnant: the unwelcome, unsolicited comments and questions.   

Sometimes the comments and questions are kind, based in genuine curiosity: "Your first?"  "When are you due?"  "Boy or girl?"  "Have you picked a name?"  "It must be a boy."  

Occasionally, the comments and questions are mean-spirited, or worse, judgmental.  These are usually directed at your size ("Wow, you look ready to pop any minute."  I was barely eight months pregnant, thank you), or in some activity you are partaking in.  

For example: late in my first pregnancy I would cave and enjoy a Diet Coke at my favorite Mexican restaurant, which has the BEST fountain pop in the world.  One day our waitress (my usual favorite) paused, gave me A Look and said:  “Are you sure?”  I was a little taken aback, but replied, "Yes."  "Really?" she tried again."  "Yes," I said, a little more forcefully.  It was unnerving that people I didn’t know would try to guilt-trip me; this would result in me not enjoying my very occasional indulgence.

As if the comments weren’t bad enough, then come the pregnancy/childbirth horror stories you don't care to hear, again, usually from random strangers (though not always, and really, people that know you should know better).  I’m not sure if it’s because I am pregnant again, but I've blocked out all the heinous stories people told me, as a self-defense mechanism I can only assume. 

However, my friend Jess, who is due next month, has been getting her share lately.  Everything from how a friend was paralyzed for a year after getting her epidural to a woman whose niece thought she needed to take a #2, and ended up miscarrying her baby into a toilet.  The second story, in particular, would be horrible to recount to anyone on the planet, let alone a pregnant woman.  In these moments you have to wonder what the hell people are thinking.

My problem in these instances is that I am so stunned, offended, and/or perplexed that I cannot speak, let alone come back with a witty comment or equally offensive quip.  It is only five to ten minutes later when I am struck with my "A-ha!  This is what I would say" moment.  Too late, indeed.

I thought these occurrences would end after pregnancy, but I'm sorry to report they don't.  Because now, these clueless strangers can judge you on your parenting (or in their eyes, lack of) skills. 

We are temporarily living in Detroit as my husband has work here.  Towards the end of the summer it was cooling off, not yet cold, and I still didn't put Eli in shoes.  Socks, yes.  If it was a warm day, no socks or shoes.  I don't know why but the comments I would get about this (and there were so many) drove me crazy. 

A sampling:

"It must be nice to go around life without any socks or shoes on." (this was not said in a wistful I-wish-I-was-still-a-kid way, no, this was pointed and nasty)

"Look who doesn't have to wear shoes today."

"Oh, he only has socks.  Maybe he needs some shoes?"

"Don't you think he needs some shoes?"

We didn't buy a pair of shoes for this kid until he was nearly ten months old.  He has sailed through all of his clothing and by his first birthday was wearing 18 to 24-month sizes.  Why would we waste money buying shoes he'd wear for a month?  If it were cold out, sure.  He'd need the extra warmth.  But in the summer?  Okay, end of rant.

Another memorable day was a trip to Target.  It was the last of several errands and Eli was over all of it.  The only thing that was keeping him remotely quiet was the pen (tightly capped, and at that age he couldn’t get it off) that I was letting him chew on (and he was chewing on the non-capped end, FYI).  I wheeled into the checkout, only to have the cashier give me a Death Look and say, "You're letting him chew on a pen?  Don't you know that's a choking hazard?"  My response: "That's why I watch him."  She gasped disapprovingly and proceeded to give me the Death Look for the remainder of the transaction.  What I wanted to say was, "Lady, you haul the kid around this store and keep him from screaming bloody murder.  If a pen makes him happy?  So be it." 

The thing you realize once you have kids is that, yes, you let them do things you thought you would never let them do.  There are times, if it keeps them quiet and happy, and it is of no harm to them or others, that you have to throw your hands in the air and say, "oh well."  Had I let the kid chew on the pen with the ink tip in his mouth, sure, she would have a valid reason to say something.  Otherwise?  No.

I would never step in and make such comments, especially to people I don't even know.  What place is it of mine to judge or tell anyone how to parent?  We're all doing the best we can.  Could we do better?  Probably.  But life sure would be just a little nicer if people would keep their comments to themselves. 

I am curious to hear what appalling things people have said to you while you were pregnant, what judgments have been handed down when it comes to your parenting skills, and especially any witty (or rude, yes, that’s welcome, too) comment you’ve thrown back in the face of some clueless person.  Please, share…