You’d think Vinny and I would have this down by now. We’ve been together over thirteen
years, have spent countless times apart thanks to work and/or school, and have
had to participate in this song-and-dance so many times you’d think we’d barely
blink an eye.
But no.
I wasn’t even going to write this blog post until after he
left because in many ways, it’s easier to get through the good-bye by simply
avoiding it. If I don’t think
about the fact that he’s leaving and what that means, well, it’s almost like
it’s not going to happen.
Until it does.
It was easier before the kids. Sure, we hated being apart but it’s not like either one of
us would change drastically in four to six weeks (or three months). And now that neither child is an
infant, the changes are a bit more subtle, but they’re still present.
Now that we have two kids, I can say it was easier when it
was just Eli, and he was young.
Now that he’s old enough to be fully aware of what’s happening (and
Sophie is right there with him), it gets increasingly difficult with each
absence. There’s acting out, temper
tantrums, moodiness… and it breaks my heart because I know where it comes from,
but I never know how to assure him that Vinny will be back in a few weeks. It’s still not a concept either of them
can grasp.
In the meantime, I try to take all the changes of behavior
in stride, trying my best not to get immediately frustrated and cranky, which
is easy to do since I am also experiencing the after-effects of not having my
partner here with me (I guess I’m not really selling the whole “come and visit
us while Vinny’s gone” ploy by describing how wonderful we’ll be in his
absence… oops).
I’ll say this much:
If you don’t have kids, or have never parented on your own for a minimum
of several weeks, please don’t say things like: “Four weeks isn’t that long, it’ll
go by in a flash,” or “I did that once for a weekend and it wasn’t so bad,” or
“It’s okay, the kids won’t remember,” or “It’s good to know you can do it on
your own,” or “__________________ (fill in your favorite snarky comment here).”
No, if you have a friend or loved one that is home bound in the evenings with
no adult company in sight perhaps offer to stop by for an evening and partake
in some adult conversation (and/or drinking), or invite said friend and kids
over to dinner with your family for a change of pace, or offer to take the kids
on a walk so that she might have ten minutes of silence during the day,
or… You get the idea.
There are so many things I miss when Vinny isn’t here, but
having interaction with another adult is on the top of my list. I am lucky to have some fantastic
friends that make a point of visiting when Vinny is away, or make me chocolate
chip cookies, or bring me beer, or have me over, or just generally provide some
much-needed distraction. Single
parenting becomes lonely, quickly.
That’s really my point here. Yeah, yeah, the good-bye part is always a kick in the
pants. There’s no way around
it. I dread it every time. But the part that’s even harder is the
quiet house you come back to (okay, so after the kids have gone to bed). That’s when the loneliness tries to
creep in.
So just be aware.
Do you have a friend that could use a hand? An ear? A
beer? I knew this was coming, so
have been filling up my calendar with much-needed visits from my lovely
friends. It’ll make the space
between good-bye and hello much brighter.
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