The current situation: Vinny’s out of town working, I had an
infection in my foot that was almost gone (I’ll spare you the details of how
this fun event transpired), but after the furnace went out last Monday and I
was up and down stairs way too many times, and then add to that some shoveling
(which I actually like doing), the infection came back in a hurry at the end of
this past week. Basically, I’ve
had great difficulty walking for the last three weeks, something that in and of
itself is frustrating in ways I cannot adequately convey in words.
This is how life works. Sometimes it comes all at once, at a time when you wish like
nothing else that it would simply leave you alone. I never expect life to be easy, but there are times when I
hope it might be a “little easier,” than others. This has been one of those times. Instead, I have been a medicated, hobbling mess.
Thankfully, I was able to retreat this past weekend to my
parents. They stepped in and took
over childcare duties, as I sat for the better part of each day with my foot
elevated as the infection worsened.
I can’t imagine how much worse things would be had I continued my normal
daily routine, which essentially means being on my feet most of the day caring
for the kids (and in case this isn't obvious, not great for foot infections).
Still, there is a part of me that feels as though I am
putting someone else out by sitting on my bum, letting someone else help me,
take care of me. I am simultaneously
relieved, grateful and frustrated for not being able to do what I need to do
each day. And I know I shouldn’t
feel this way. The kids are having
a great time, my parents are happy to help. But me? I am
having a hard time sitting still, feeling like I am not helping or contributing
in any way.
I fully admit this is a tough concept for me to
embrace. You need help? Ask for it. If the situation were reversed and any of my friends or
family asked for help, would I do it?
Absolutely, and without thinking twice. Why is it so hard for me to accept it works the other way in
return? That those who care about
me are willing to help, if needed?
I know I am not the only one who struggles with this. And I wonder why. Is it pride? Stubborness?
Independence? A fear that
others won’t be willing to help? I
feel that as a culture we have been ingrained to “do it all,” and to ask for
help is a sign of weakness. But in
the long run, we’re only hurting ourselves and those around us when we don’t
ask for help. And don't we want to model this behavior for our children, so that they understand there is no shame in needing help?
So even though I have felt like we are overstaying our
welcome, we have been at my parents since Saturday morning. The plan was to leave at some point
today, even though my foot is still a disaster, and then at lunch: a
migraine. It took me a few minutes
to realize what was happening. My
vision was strange, not everything was in focus, I couldn’t see everything
looking straight ahead. As soon as
the ring of flashing color showed up in my right eye, I knew what was
happening. Were it not so
debilitating and painful, I would welcome the experience… I find the whole
thing rather fascinating (how does the brain coordinate these things?). But that's a whole other topic.
I have been lucky(?) enough to only experience migraine
headaches when I’m pregnant. And I
ain’t pregnant. Really,
really. So this was rather
devastating today, to have my first, non-pregnancy-related migraine. I hope it’s the first and only.
So my plans of leaving faltered. If I can’t see properly, I certainly don’t feel confident
getting behind the wheel of a car, especially with children in tow.
It took the migraine for me to fully surrender. To say, “yup, I’m an absolute mess and
I am going to continue making an imprint in that couch until tomorrow
morning.” Which is what I am going
to sign off now and do.
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