What Do YOU Need Today?

Hi.  Yes, I'm still here.  

I fell off the blogging wagon (again) for, well, a long time.  The last few months have seen a lot of changes on the home front (a total kitchen demo, a new job, little one back to school, the other in speech therapy - you know, life).  In the midst of trying to juggle a new-to-me schedule, job and an in-home construction zone, I floundered when it came time to care for myself.

This is nothing new, of course.  Even before I had kids, I was an expert when it came to putting the needs of others before my own.  Most of us are experts in this realm; sadly, it becomes second nature to neglect ourselves.  

Well, after years of doing this, my body let me know about it.  Hello, adrenal fatigue.  You suck.  

I've spent the last year + trying to integrate self-care into my daily life as I slowly recover from adrenal fatigue.  In theory this concept strikes me as basic enough, but when you start to delve into self-care, the things you “should” be doing to take optimal care of yourself—and let's face it: depending on what you read or care to believe in, this could be just about anything—well, it can become another stressor in your life.  Am I eating well enough?  Oh shit, I shouldn't have eaten that fourth crab rangoon before I mowed down that entree.  Am I exercising enough?  Does running up and down the stairs ten times a day chasing the kids count?  It should.  Am I getting enough sleep?  We all know answer to that.  

A couple weeks back I came across this article:  “Is Your Self-Care Regime Turning Into a Stressful Job? 3 Ways to Practice Optimal Self-Care”

Oh, boy.  Did this one resonate.  Mostly, this:  

Ask yourself first and foremost, "What do I need today?"  This is a simple yet oh-so-powerful question, because it acknowledges that you -- your mind and your body -- are the expert and know what's best. We all too often trust other people's advice more than we trust ourselves, when in reality each day is different. Some days you might need grounding energy. Other days you might need airy, light energy. Give yourself the freedom to adjust your self-care regime to meet you where you are. Especially for us women, it's important to be in tune with our monthly cycles and acknowledge that our body has different needs throughout the month.

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I've already put this valuable suggestion into action.  A few weeks ago Vinny was heading to his folks to deliver some prints and take winter photos.  My mind saw an opportunity to be husband and kid-free for a long weekend… for the first time ever.  Ever.  We went back and forth on him taking the kids, but that question, "What do I need?" kept creeping in.  What I needed was a break.  Some quiet.  

So I asked for it.  And it happened.  It wasn’t the weekend I had hoped for.  One ice storm, leaky bathroom ceiling, and tumble down our back steps later, I was a bruised and sore mess.  Still, it was a break, one I mostly spent in pain on the couch watching terrible films.  I relished every minute.

Listening to what your body is trying to tell you isn’t as simple as it sounds, at least not at first.  During this process, I have also discovered another by-product of asking myself "What do I need?"  It means asking for help more than I normally would - which is almost never.  I am terrible at this, still.  I like to believe I can shoulder it all on my own because that's the way I've always been.  I'm stubborn and independent, a good combo in some situations, but certainly not all.

I don't do resolutions anymore, for lots of reasons.  The last few years I've shifted my focus to setting an intention or a creative goal instead of placing a limitation or unrealistic expectation on myself.  This year, I will continue to ask myself, "What do I need today?"  The simple act of asking has been transformative, and I hope it becomes a deep-rooted habit over time.  

What about you?  What do YOU need today?  Give yourself some time and space to figure it out. 

Tired of Tired

Seriously.  Whenever anyone in the last, oh, two years has asked me, “how are you doing?” the automatic response is, “I’m tired.”  At which point people nod along and say, “Well, you’re ________.”  (responses may include: pregnant, moving, solo-parenting, dealing with another newborn, the mom of two young kids, crazy)

Or, I’ll get a wary look.  A look of, “your baby isn’t a newborn anymore, get over it,” kind of look. 

Here’s the thing:  I am more tired now than I have ever been in my life.  Every cell in my body is screaming at me on a daily basis I am so fatigued. 

I don’t have time for this. I certainly don’t have the patience for it.  And for a long time, I simply tried to ignore it.  I figured that once Sophie slept better (and for the most part, she sleeps well now), I would somehow follow suit and begin to sleep through the night.  No dice.  Basically, since I became pregnant with Eli, I haven’t slept through a night.  Worse, I haven’t slept longer than a five-ish hour stretch.  That ain’t right.

Look, I don’t want to tell you I’m tired.  I know you don’t want to hear it.  No one wants to hear it, least of all me.  But I can’t avoid it.  It follows me through my days and nights.  I try to beat it.  I try to trick it.  I try to make myself so tired that there is no way humanly possible that I won’t sleep through the night.  And then I don’t.

It’s easy to say I have insomnia, and that wouldn’t be untrue.  But this thing, this tired thing, goes beyond that.  Sure, there are all the usual suspects that I’ve covered countless times in other blog posts.  But surely, most of those challenges have passed, so what gives?

I’ve been seeing an acupuncturist for several months now, for lots of reasons, one of which is: Make me feel like my old self.  Or at least a version of my former self. 

I had to laugh a few weeks back when Kristen, my acupuncturist, said to me, “You sure are an interesting little mix of things.”  I know she was referring to all the various, sometimes disparate things happening in my body that she is constantly trying to pinpoint, rein in, calm down, etc.  But I took it to heart, and wholeheartedly agree that in general, yes, I’m a mix.  Interesting?  Maybe.

Our talk continued beyond that, and although it was something she had brought up before, we hadn’t really talked in length about adrenal fatigue.  She says I have adrenal fatigue, without a doubt.  What is adrenal fatigue?  In its simplest explanation, it is the fatigue of your adrenal glands due to prolonged stress on your body (and this “stress” could be from any number of factors).  For more info, go here.

It’s also worth noting that Western medicine rarely, if ever, recognizes adrenal fatigue, rather attributing it to something naturalists have dreamed up to sell more supplements, etc.  This attitude is insulting on many levels, least of which is the habit of Western medicine to slap a convenient “diagnosis” on you and then prescribe some kind of bullshit medication for you to take the rest of your life.

But I digress.  It’s always a relief to finally figure out what is happening in your body, to have something to point to and say YES! that is exactly how I am feeling.  Of course this is quickly followed up with, “Well, now what?  What can I do to feel better?”

Most treatment for adrenal fatigue is practical advice along the lines of “getting a lot of rest, reducing stress in your life, simplifying your life, gentle exercise, supplements, healthy diet.”  Nothing too shocking, but somewhat laughable when you live in a household with two small children. 

The most important part of this treatment is diet.  So for the time being I am doing my absolute best to not eat: gluten, dairy, pork, most red meat, sugar, potatoes, corn, tomatoes (NOOOOOOO! This has honestly been one of the bigger challenges), and peanuts.  I have also had to swear off (again) Diet Coke.  People, you know this is my vice.  If I go out to eat Mexican food there damn well better be a fountain Coke to go with that meal.  These are the dilemmas I face, and I have to admit, it’s getting easier.

I’ll delve more into the dietary issues and the complications that arise in another post.

Beyond the changes in diet, my biggest “change” has been trying to cultivate consistent quiet and/or down time in the evenings.  As anyone with children can appreciate, the evening hours are my now-it’s-finally-quiet-I-can-get-shit-done time.  For the longest time I would spend every evening getting all the household stuff done, or working to check some other random task off my To-Do list. 

 

Most nights, all I really want to do is lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling (there may or may not be drool involved).  Or maybe I just want to watch a movie.  Or read a book.  Or go outside and simply sit.  It frustrates me that I have let myself get to a place where I feel guilty for relaxing, for taking a quiet moment for myself.  It’s tough to turn off that obnoxious little voice in my head that starts in, “You know… you really should be doing ________.” 

No, no I shouldn’t. 

So even though I have babes that certainly aren’t newborns, I have tried to revert back to some of the suggestions given during that time, namely: rest when they rest.  This was easy to do when I was sick and could barely move off the couch anyways, so naptime became my rest time, too.  In fact, getting sick and having it take four weeks to feel better has been the eye opener I needed to truly admit to myself: Your body is shutting down.  Stop ignoring it.

I’m only a few weeks into consciously “treating” my adrenal fatigue.  It’s daunting when you look at the recovery time associated with severe adrenal fatigue (18-24 months).  Despite this, I am so desperate to feel rested that I would do anything to move towards recovery, however long it may take.

So you’ve been warned.  I may give the annoying “I’m tired” response for a bit longer, but as soon as I feel even a little bit better I’m sure I’ll be coming up with all kinds of ridiculous things to say to you.  Aren’t you excited?